Are You Allergic to Blame?
It’s OK, I’m allergic to blame too. In fact, we all are. “You never listen to me.” “She set me up.” “It’s not my fault we lost the deal.” It’s one of the things that makes us human. Blame is different from objective analysis because it lacks empathy and leaves you out of the picture. But it is SO easy.
We also have a common allergy medication for this called self-justification. When something isn’t going the way we think it should, we tell ourselves a story that neatly explains the problem with someone or something else as the cause. This may sound innocent, but if ignored it becomes an infection worse than any pandemic.
“Wherever you find a problem, you will usually find the finger-pointing of blame. Society is addicted to playing the victim.” - Stephen R. Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
This allergy to blame comes from a few simple self-centered shiny objects in our mind that are easy to pick up and very difficult to put down. The result is often doing things TO people to deal with the problem rather than partnering WITH them to make things better for everyone.
Who, Me?
What’s usually missing is what part you or those you align with play in giving that problem space to exist. In a world of information over-load and quick fixes, blame rules the day. It’s entirely possible that in reading this you are nodding your head or smiling in agreement how this fits someone else. “Yes — that’s exactly what they do!” That’s a clue.
Here’s the rub. You might look out the window and rightly point to someone else’s fault without ALSO looking in the mirror and see your own faults. That’s what allows people to yell and tell everyone who will listen about how terrible “they” are. The only solution is to stop “them.” If it bleeds it leads, so the noise just keeps building until people start doing dumb things. Over and over again.
“To grow up is to stop putting blame on parents.” - Maya Angelou, Becoming Myself
Mirror, Mirror on the Wall
Let’s look back in the mirror for a moment. What’s behind this allergy to blame? The modern term is psychological projection, or blame shifting. Ancient wisdom* refers to three underlying diseases of the soul that interfere with peace and harmony within and between us: Pride, Selfish-love, and Vainglory.
- Pride attacks our ability to think clearly and blinds us to an honest awareness of ourselves. Pride adds layers of ignorance like scales on our eyes blinding us to the knowledge of a greater Truth.
- Self-love in this context is different from being at peace with yourself. Instead, it is the unhealthy desire to satisfy every selfish want. It creates a shell of apathy to mental and spiritual growth.
- Vainglory is seeking craving to be admired, people pleasing, and selling our free will to follow idols of all kinds. This is a very addictive disease of the soul and is motivated by counterfeit love.
Self-check
Does this remind you of someone else right now, or are you seeing these symptoms in yourself? These hit close to home and caused me to check my own stories for signs of blame and look for what’s within me that allows these things to exist. How can I blame someone for making me mad if I have unresolved anger inside of me for it to trigger?
Why do you look at the speck that is in your brother’s eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye? - Jesus, Matthew 7:3, Luke 6:41
The cure for these diseases of the soul starts with humility before others and God. Just like the 12 Steps in addiction treatment, it starts on the inside and extends out:
- admitting to the problem and confessing it openly
- accepting help
- making peace with those impacted by your actions
- turning away from the behavior, end it’s control over you and your relationships
Comfort and Growth Don’t Travel Together
Honestly looking in the mirror, rejecting blame, and owning the disease in our own souls can be hard work AND has as healing effect. Letting go of the junk in our emotional trunk lets us travel lighter and feel joy in the journey. It also lets us heal from the many unresolved hurts, hang-ups, and habits that weigh us down. I recently let go of some underlying anger that left me feeling lighter and brighter. If I want a more civil society, it begins with a more civil me.
This is clearly not a comprehensive self-help guide. My goal in writing this is to lighten the load of a fellow traveler and hopefully heal a few souls along the way. Does this help you? I’d like to hear what helps keep your soul calm in these stormy days.
A few places to learn about living lighter without blame:
- *God’s Path to Sanity: Lessons from Ancient Holy Counselors on How to Have a Sound Mind by Dee Pennock
- Changing an Organization’s Culture Without Resistance or Blame by Tom DiDonato and Noel Gill — Harvard Business Review
- Crucial conversations: Tools for Talking When Stakes are High — Kerry Patterson, et al
